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from one fucked person to another

Do you think split personality order really exsists? Let me clarify:

 I feel like there are two sides of me.

  1. There’s this person, who is cruel, almost evil, a bully. She’s only mean to me though. She has something out for me. She’s very abusive. I can’t stand her when she’s around. I can read her thoughts. I know everything she says about me and it’s never nice. I try to cover me ears so I don’t hear her, but that’s nearly impossible when she’s screaming in my head. What she says is very sad, she tells me I’m worthless and implants these thoughts into my head that everyone is out to get me and everyone is just using me. She tries to make me isloate myself. She makes me turn my back on people who are trying to push her out of me. She is me, she is controlling and she cannot be stopped.

The other side. 

    2. Me. Small. Voiceless. Chained. I can’t even remember her. She hates looking at old pictures because all it causes is pain. Whether is be pictures taken recently before she started her medication and wonders how the hell she is still alive today, or old ones when she was happy, because it will probably never be back. She screams and fights with the voices in her head: she is not always silent. There is still a pushing point for her when she is tired of being kicked. She loses everytime though because she is weak, and the other one is stronger, more powerful. She is me, I wish she would take control, but she will not stop fighting.

So. That’s what’s on my mind today. I’ll probably be punished for this later.

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked, “What makes a Mother?”
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby’s not with you?
Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there’s no need to stay.

I just don’t understand this God
I want my baby here

He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing Here

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
“We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!”
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who
had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
“Mommy, Please don’t be sad today
I’m your baby and I am here”

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they’ll stay
They’ll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons there are through
And on the day that you come home
they’ll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother
It’s the feeling in your heart
It’s the love you had so much of
Right from the very start

It’s not like I’m invisible, you still wear me under your skin. When we talk, we don’t talk at all. Too weak to leave, too stubborn to give in. Who is gonna be the first to say a truce? It’s not enough that we should part can’t stop fighting too. We don’t let go, we can’t get close. I still need you, when you still need me.This tug of war can’t go on anymore. Nobody wins from this misery. Well. can’t you see, I wanna be, I want you to be, free. It’s not like I’m not loving you, It’s just that I can’t be alone for too long. I’d like to wish you all the happiness, Maybe the truth is, it will kill me if you move on. Who is gonna be the first to say enough? Who is gonna be the first one to find true love? We don’t let go, we can’t get close. I still need you, when you still need me. This tug of war can’t go one anymore. Nobody wins from this misery. Let it be, let it be just a beautiful memory.
Anything that starts will have an ending. Let it go, let it go, yeah cause we both know this will only be over when we’re free. Yeah, Oh, when we’re free. We don’t let go, we can’t get close. I still need you, when you still need me. This tug of war can’t go on anymore. Nobody wins from this misery, free. Well oh can’t you see, I wanna be, I want you to be, whoa, free. I wanna be, I want you to be, oh can we be, free. Oh I wanna be free.
Free
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